A Year's Journey With Cancer

     I haven't posted in a very long time...in fact, I actually forgot about this blog until I started thinking about writing again. I was looking into free blogging sites, and websites, and the ever popular "work from home" idea just sounded so good! 

    A year ago, I got diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Now I know that it sounds horrible, and it was shocking to me...because I knew the odds of this particular cancer weren't always good; but I kind of went on autopilot and just did what the doctors told me to do. I wasn't in denial, but I also didn't allow myself to get into a deep depression and give up totally making it a death sentence...and rather a "life sentence" (in a good way). I definitely had my ups and downs, of course....days when I couldn't even get out of bed because I was so lost and worried. I still struggle since my life is yet filled with appointments, recent surgery again, a maintenance drug that is supposed to keep me in remission...and financial worries when I am in and out of work. 

    It has put things into perspective. Within the last three years, I had gotten divorced, bought a car, bought a house, went back to school...and things were looking pretty good. I even got down to the Virgin Islands to visit my youngest daughter who lives there...(a graduation present to me from my sister). I had been experiencing some mild annoying discomforts with bloating and feeling fullness in my abdomen; which I attributed to my age and probably menopause related. As I was losing weight, I noticed round mass in my right side that I could actually feel when I laid on my side, or stood a certain way. When I finally was able to get a CT scan (thanks to "prior authorization" with insurance challenges)...it showed a large mass on my right ovary. The mass had also attached to bottom outside lining of my stomach, and a few other places. I had surgery to remove the mass, so they did a hysterectomy, along with scraping and removing other spots and "things" it had left its mark on. I was totally stoked about the hysterectomy believe it or not, since I didn't really need it anyway at my age! Really, I just wanted it all out, the tumor and whatever else needed to be gone! 

    While recovering, I had to be out of work obviously...so I went from finally getting the pay I deserved after all these years, to barely getting by. I took the opportunity to "save" my sanity by reading, coloring, listening to music, listening to audible and various other interests. I also decided to start anew, by looking for another job. I could have stayed at my previous job, but I had been there over 13 years, and was growing weary from it (I was a licensed practical nurse at an LTAC facility). Once I went back to school and got my Registered Nurse degree, I decided to move on to other things. 

While half way through my chemo treatments, I went back to work. I started a job at a hospital five minutes from my house...which was wonderful. Thankfully I never really had too much discomfort or side affects from the chemo, so I was able to work. It was interesting to see the transition of starting a job wearing scarves and turbans, to finally seeing my hair grow back. I did have a little problem with the long 12-hours shifts, especially since I usually did them three in a row. So I have recently modified my schedule some so I can get a couple days in between shifts to recuperate. I am no spring chicken(61); but I am not dead, disabled or handicapped yet. I'd like to keep working as long as I can. It doesn't stop me from looking into other options though; like remote work, or something that doesn't require running the halls of a hospital unit anymore. I do feel like it's time for a change as far as that goes. 

I keep telling people that I want to retire and do pottery or painting in my garage! I really would like that...but I may have to work a little longer and plan a little more before that can happen! No one tells you how stressful it is to deal with insurance companies, retirement accounts, employers and so forth when you are going through a life event or illness. My favorite is the paper trail. So here I am recovering from surgery, dealing with cancer, trying to survive with limited or no money...and you want me to "print this up, fill this out, take it to my doctor, then go back and pick it up, and send it over to you"...ridiculous. 

    Oh and let's not forget about the "teaching" and "recommendations" the medical professionals must do. They are telling me to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise, eat right; and so on and so on. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but do you know how hard it is to do any of that when you are stressed about money and how you are going to pay your bills? I get it...I do...for goodness sake, I am a nurse!-but c'mon guys! I know what's good and bad for my health, and I really try to use common sense in most areas of my life. For the most part, I already eat pretty good...my only problem is it might be "too much" sometimes! But I'm working on it. I have a pool, so I swim a lot...but of course, I couldn't when I was recovering from surgery...so that wasn't my fault! I like yard work...but I couldn't do that either after surgery...again, not my fault!

    I just got back to work after recent surgery for a spot on my kidney we had been monitoring...the plan was to do surgery all a long, but we had to wait until I recovered from the "other" surgery, and chemo and all that jazz. It was not a new spot or new development....it had been there before; but dealing with being out of work once again, and bad timing naturally...almost put me over the edge mentally. I found myself looking for whatever inspirational, motivational, success driven, mindset healing stuff I could find. Videos, audiobooks, real books, music, people, podcasts....wherever I could find them. My tolerance levels have definitely come down some...so I have to work on them! I get annoyed easily at those every day things that never got to me before. Naturally, I have also found a renewed interest in "how to reinvent myself" or "how to change my life"! Hey, it gives me something to think about! 

    I do owe a great deal of gratitude to my family who has been very supportive during these times. My sister has helped me tremendously both financially and through her heart warming gifts and endless encouragement. My oldest daughter has gone with me to appointments and surgeries...and helped me after surgery(when I would allow it, I tend to be kind of independent). I am sure she is quite relieved that I recovered so well and didn't require her to bathe me or wait on me hand and foot. She is a huge help and knows I would ask if I needed it...at least sometimes! My youngest daughter lives on an island in the Caribbean, but keeps telling me to come on down and stay with her awhile...(and I just might have to take her up on that as soon as I find it feasible)!  She would help me in any way if I asked, but I don't...because that's just me. Having a place to stay when I come visit is all the incentive I need!

    So many friends reached out to me as well...but you know, when you are going through something, it just seems in my case anyway...that I do better without a lot of fuss and company. I know that sounds weird, but I just do. I cherish the thoughts and prayers, and they do mean a lot to me. I actually appreciate everyone checking in with me and leaving me messages...but healing properly takes "self awareness". I had to work on my emotions and thoughts after all I had experienced. Much of my determination comes from simply the "need to" get better and the "need" to figure it out...I can't rely on others to do for me or fix things...it's just how it is; "tag, I'm it"! 

    So posting to this blog after a long absence is going to be part of the healing process. I plan to continue posting as often as I can. It's good practice for the bigger blogs later! Until next time...Peace!